God is truly using my life circumstances to sanctify me (that is - to mold me into His image).
(I Corinthians 1:26-31; Hebrews 12:14; Romans 8:28-29)
Yesterday, my 8 month old - Joshua, came down with a fever. His fever of 103.7 was the highest temp I had ever seen! He has an ear infection and he is cutting teeth. That made for a night full of fussing. I was soooo tired- and I wanted to stay in bed. Or, at the very least, lay on the couch. But, the poor baby wanted to walk with my rocking as I walked. Not only that - he wanted me to sing. So, I sang . . . through tears. The first song I sang was the praise chorus, "Change my heart, Oh God." Never has the song meant more to me! I truly was praying for a new heart! I am so selfish - without a doubt God has given me four children to rid me of that. Next I sang Psalm 146 from the Psalter, "Hallelujah, Praise Jehovah." I could hardly choke that one out for all the sobs wracking my body. It was a long night.
After my long night, I woke up to find my 2 year old sick. For those of you who don't know - Lydia has recently been diagnosed with some type of immune deficiency. Right now they are very vague about it, but we do know that it is direct correlation with her lymph nodes. Her glands were all swollen (again) and she slept in till 10. She would not eat, but kept saying "I want go bed... I want go bed." We took her to urgent care and they were again vague... not her ears, she has a red throat though. She is on antibiotics (again) for her mysterious gland problem.
OK - so just one kid sick would have been strain enough on me. With my fighting for energy sucked away by thyroid disease; financial strain from Paul's leaving his secular job; and searching for a doctor to no avail... that would all be quite enough (humanly speaking). But, no - God has decided that His best work can be done through adding another child's illness to it.
I know I must be awfully sinful, awfully rebellious to require such pruning from the Lord's hand! I must be awfully willful to refuse to submit to His plan through this time of molding! I know that I need to be as Clay in the Potter's Hand (Jeremiah 18:6). But, OH, it is so hard! I have been blessed by good sermons like this one on suffering. And, I have been blessed by the Elsie Dinsmore books, by Martha Finley! I do not pray that God would bring me suffering, but I do pray that during suffering I would be able to stand. These past few weeks I have been at a breaking point. I write positive blogs, but I am a wretched sinner. In between my blogging I weep and struggle with God. Why cannot I accept the blessings of suffering?! I KNOW that God means all things for my good! I know that he promises suffering to His children! Why can't I bend to His will?! Why must I balk at these new trials? (James 1:2-4; I Peter 4:19; 2 Corinthians 1:3-5)
Pray for me, friends, I am so weak!