I am only 30 years old, yet I feel like I must be much older. I am going to write some notes about my health and it will likely come across as whining. But, I am again asking for your prayers. I am going to write some specific ailments out and we will all pray that God will heal me. And, if He does not - that I will remain faithful and that He will give me strength to carry on.
Paul and I agree that I am in the worst health I have ever been in. This week has already been very telling of my state of health, though maybe only those of you who know me "in real life" will understand the depth of meaning to what follows.
I can no longer mow the yard. *crying begins* Paul started up the new mower the other day and I wanted to give it a try. I knew things were not the same when I could not even start the mower... to save my dignity, Paul "helped" me to get it started. I had traveled but a few yards before I felt extreme fatigue at this motion! I was determined (by my damnable pride - and I mean that will all sincerity) to finish one circular lap. I got slower and slower... until Paul met me to take over. I hobbled into the house to lie down... I was done. *fighting tears* I realize that most ladies could care less about yard mowing... I am not most ladies. I love yard work! I love mowing! But, for now... I will have to leave it to Paul. If you had asked "What hurts?" when I was pathetically crying on my bed, I would have replied, "What doesn't hurt?!"
Then, yesterday afternoon we went shopping at the bulk foods store. I managed that trip really well. (Of course, Paul was there to do all the lifting...) Actually, Paul did everything. I read the list and pretended to be shopping, while Paul took 3 kids to fill my orders. Still, when we came home I felt decently enough. BUT, last night we went to Wal-Mart to get the items we could not get at the bulk store. I could not walk through the store without visibly limping. And, I actually asked Paul if I could leave. He did not want me to go into the dark parking lot alone (while in such pain/fatigue) so I sat on a bench while he paid! I NEVER sit on the bench... never! Even during some very wearisome pregnancies I did not carry on as I do now! I fear that if we go to Wal-Mart again, I will have to use the motorized chair!
But, perhaps worst of all, I cannot play my flute. I considered selling it, since all it does is sit upon a shelf mocking my disability (whatever that disability is...). I cannot lift my arms long enough to play it. I hang out laundry and my arms ache, but that is a labor of love that I feel I must perform. Practicing the flute, in hopes to get back into shape is not at all on my radar! My fingers, most days, are stiff and swollen. I can type - Praise God! - but I cannot play flute. (I would not be able to play piano either, if I had one).
But, I cannot completely despair! Because our gracious Lord has left me some faculties!
- I CAN SING!!! Praise God, I can sing.
- And, I can type and write this blog... which is a very strong lifeline these days. I cannot use a pen most days, but I can type!
- I still have sight and hearing.
- I still have most large motor function. (Meaning, I can walk!)
I do realize that I am very blessed. I get around better than some well people do... I know that. But, I have to take more care... I cannot paint again - that really did me in! I cannot tackle any projects without Paul... I just can't. You may have noticed that I have been posting more these past weeks... that is an indication that I am not feeling well. On days when I am sick and tired I spend more time blogging, not less.
I got up before the children this morning to do some stretches. I even did some Pilates Abs work. I am NOT trying to tone my abs for aesthetic reasons... that is not enough motivation to get me up early... No, I am going to try to exercise more, because I know that my back hurts less when I am "working out." Of course, my working out won't look like it used to. I will not/cannot do step aerobics at the gym 3-4 days/week, with weightlifting interspersed in the program. But, God willing, I can make slow steady progress...
Now, to my dear friends and family who plan to visit me this summer: Please, DO NOT CHANGE YOUR PLANS! Please, Please come! I want to see you. I need to see you. Do not worry about my health. I will just put you to work and you can help with the labors! So long as I rest every afternoon I get by ok. I was terribly tired when my friend Dawn left the other night, but I would not have traded that time for anything! But, I am also trying to be optimistic... maybe the Lord will heal me as He did last spring/summer... it could happen. I am going to go call the Dr right now about Vitamin D deficiency.
Pray for me... I want to be 30 again!