Welcome

Welcome! This is where it all began. I no longer post on this website and some of the content reflects former convictions and understandings. Some of these posts are hard core on issues that I am softer on these days. I deleted many posts that I feared would lead people into legalism, so if you find a missing hyperlink that may be why. These days I write at Covered By His Hand.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Insight

It's all about perspective, really.

It has been hard to trust God with my health situation. (I am referring to my unnamed/undiagnosed disability, not pregnancy) I have had good days and bad days. On the good days I thank God for the health I have, for the lessons He teaches me through sickness, and the family I have that generally serves me with kindness. On the bad days I complain, grumble against God and my circumstances, and carry on like a big baby.

The recent insight that God gave me is this: 
I used to complain a lot about pregnancy! During my first pregnancy, I thought "I am never going to do this again." Looking back, it was just a typical pregnancy... morning sickness, itchy skin, moodiness, heartburn, etc. At the time, I thought it was a horrible experience! I had expected pregnancy to be all happy times with "glowing" skin... reality hit me like a load of bricks.
In the following pregnancies, I whined, grumbled, and complained as much as I could get away with. I still thought that pregnancy was HARD and I felt sorry for myself. I also thought that pregnancy lasted forever! It seemed to go on and on and on...
BUT, God has changed my perspective! Dealing with a real disability over the past year has been a real wake-up call. There were days I could not get myself dressed, walk, hold a dish without dropping it, or make a meal. THAT was hard. That was a real challenge. Compared to my disability, my pregnancy is a cake-walk.
I am amazed at how quickly this pregnancy has flown by! I am amazed at how little the nausea, vomiting, and heartburn have bothered me. I do not think that the severity has decreased from previous pregnancies, I think my perspective has changed!

The other day, on the blog, I said something to the effect "if I live through this pregnancy"... I was not merely complaining about pregnancy. I try not to complain about the blessing of carrying a baby - ever. I want to live in such a way that shows that I believe that having a baby is a gift from God. I do not want to grumble and complain about it. When I said that comment, which could easily have been taken as a horrible complaint, I was referring to my overall health situation. I am scared.

These past 4 weeks my joints have started hurting again. I am weaker by the day. I am still able to walk (easily). But, I have lost some of my fine motor abilities, and my upper arms are weaker by the day... just like last winter. I have doubled my dose of Vitamin D, and it seems to be helping some. But, I am still scared. I have never been scared of labor before. My labors have all been relatively easy (still a 10 on the pain scale, to be sure... but at least they have all been less than 10 hours long!). I have never had such weakness, fatigue, and pain preceding labor.
When I went to the doctor a few months ago (before my summer reprieve), to share how immobile I had become... he said there was "a serious concern as to whether or not [I] will be able to carry and deliver the baby." The carrying of this baby has not been too bad. As I said, this pregnancy has seemed easy and fast. But, what will delivery be like?

I have to trust my God. There are times when I wake up panicked in the middle of the night. I have to repent of my worries. I have to spend more time in prayer and less time in useless (worse than useless) daydreaming of disaster. I actually find myself grateful that I will be having a hospital birth, in case something does go wrong.

I have only 8 more weeks to enjoy and savor this baby's moving inside of me.

God has given me a proper perspective concerning my pregnancy... how it is a little inconvenience compared to a real disability. Now, I ask God to give me a good perspective concerning things to come. I need His grace to saturate my life! I need His perfect love to cast out all my fears! I trust Him to provide all my needs according to His riches in glory. I have to trust Him.

1 comment:

Fine Linen said...

Dear friend,
I'm praying for you and my heart is heavy about the concerns of your aching body...(not the pregnancy part.) I understand what your saying, and know my prayers are with you and this new little blessing the Lord has graciously given you.
Peace and Grace be with you, Fine Linen